Brain Go BOOM!!!

Okay, my head isn't exploding so much as leaking profusely. Leaking happiness, fun, smiles, and frolicking. All that good stuff is on a nice, steady drip out of my head as I replace it with spanish words, lines, and people who founded theatre companies in the 1960s.
I'd like to run as fast as I can into a wall if it didn't hurt so much.
I hate hate hate finals. And I especially hate the not-knowing if I'll pass one particular course or not. Finals are a terrible state of limbo. During this limbo, every ounce of my being is trying to procrastinate and distract. Eat food! Play tetris! Check Facebook! Check MySpace! Call someone! Check Livejournal... UPDATE LIVEJOURNAL!!... etc. Going to the bathroom is even a procrastination tactic at this point.
And freedom is SO close! Being home, days on the beach, rekindling friendships is soooo close!! But sooo very very far.
Must... return... focus... back... to... making... a million... flashcards

Living Is Easy With Eyes Closed...

Everyday I get reminded that in less than 5 months, I'll be living in England. LIVING in England. Sometimes I get super excited and think about all the places I want to go, and other times I just get really nervous about being so so far away from everything I know. I think that at heart I am an adventurer, I just have a soft, gooey, protective bubble on the outside. (Ew, I'd make for a disgusting candy!) Though, you know, I'm sure once I get there all this worrying will have seemed oh so silly... but right now I can't even fathom what being overseas will feel like.
i still think doing this is a good idea. I feel like I've started to lose myself in the monotony of college (just like I had towards the end of highschool, and just like I had while working 3 jobs in between highschool and college). Towards the end of something, the end is all I can see. It's a bad habit. And I think giving myself a WHOLE new environment will invigorate my desire to do things I'm passionate about, and perhaps learn to be passionate about new things as well. Who knows?

This summer will be... interesting. Originally, I had wanted to spend my last summer before graduation with everything and everyone who was familiar to me, back home in Silver Spring. I wanted to have quality time with my Mom and Cody, and just make sure to cherish everything I was about to vacation from for 4 months. But... things changed. A lot. All starting with a terrible emotional blow, everything back home doesn't seem as sunny as it did at the beginning of the year. It seems my Mom is moving once again in July, and while I'm glad to spend time with her, I can't help but wonder how I'll feel not being with certain people I have spent my last two summers with. I thought about scrapping the living-at-home idea entirely, and spending the summer in Salisbury or Pittsburgh; the two towns that have provided fantastic summers for me over the last two years. But then I realized that I would just be doing that in hopes to recreate those summers, and that's not something that is possible. So, Silver Spring it is. I'll take classes, attempt to rekindle old friendships, visit places that hold strong childhood memories, and just try to take some time for myself and reflect. I'll also be taking my first flight in many many years this summer as a practice flight before heading to Europe. I guess it's time to open my eyes...

I hope you'll visit me.

Emilie

One Week.

Must... find... motivation.
Ahh! I have so much work to do this week it makes me crazy!
At least I had an amazing weekend- it makes my soul hurt less when I have to cram spanish words into my head and pull out a decent theatre history paper. Just gotta make it through this week...
At least the days are brighter... even if the whole weekend was overcast. : )

/?/

I'm tired of hearing sirens, gun shots, and "taps" out outside my window. They are reminders that there are always people in distress. These.... thoughts are not coherent././././.
neither is the punctuationnnnn.
I am so TIRED of evvvverything in my life being un balanced.
Very very.

but.

"thats life" "thats life" thats life" "thats life" thats life" thats life" "thats life" "thats life" thats life" "thats life" thats life" thats life""thats life" "thats life" thats life" "thats life" thats life" thats life" "thats life" "thats life" thats life" "thats life" thats life" thats life" "thats life" "thats life" thats life" "thats life" thats life" thats life" "thats life" "thats life" thats life" "thats life" thats life" thats life" "thats life" "thats life" thats life" "thats life" thats life" thats life" "thats life" "thats life" thats life" "thats life" thats life" thats life""thats life" "thats life" thats life" "thats life" thats life" thats life" "thats life" "thats life" thats life" "thats life" thats life" thats life" "thats life" "thats life" thats life" "thats life" thats life" thats life" "thats life" "thats life" thats life" "thats life" thats life" thats life"

"life is not fair life is never fair" "deal with it" "move on" "tomorrows a new day" "thats the way the cookie crumbles" "ces't la vie" "oh well" "too bad" "the hell with it" "life is not fair life is never fair" "deal with it" "move on" "tomorrows a new day" "thats the way the cookie crumbles" "ces't la vie" "oh well" "too bad" "the hell with it" "life is not fair life is never fair" "deal with it" "move on" "tomorrows a new day" "thats the way the cookie crumbles" "ces't la vie" "oh well" "too bad" "the hell with it" "life is not fair life is never fair" "deal with it" "move on" "tomorrows a new day" "thats the way the cookie crumbles" "ces't la vie" "oh well" "too bad" "the hell with it"

"___________________"

everything is: ....!...!...?..."__", *


and here I am: /?/

everything is in code.

stop.

For Cody

Little star, so you had to go.
You must have wanted him to know.
You must have wanted the world to know
Poor little thing.
Now they know.
Little star,
I had to close my eyes.
There was a fire at the warehouse.
They're always waiting for a thing like this.
Came driving from all over town,
For you, little star.

Little star
So you had to go
You must have wanted him to know
You must have wanted the world to know
Poor little thing
And now they know

...For you, little star

I miss you. So much.

An Attempt

I went on a shopping trip for grocieries the other day. I usually hate grocery shopping. Especially going through the frozen food section, where I get to freeze my ass off. But this trip was different. I only bought things that could improve body and mind. I've been wanting to make a diet change for a while. I have been eating lots and lots crap this year. I make my body do so many things. It's about time I do something for my body. I bought some Kashi, a couple of yummy Bolthouse drinks, V8 Fusion, Vitamin Water, lots of organic snacks, carrots, whole wheat bread, fat-free organic milk, and even some chicken to cook for the first time ever! Now, because I bought lots of organic stuff, the total ended up being much more expensive. But, I guess I'm ok with this. I feel better today because I didn't eat crap.
Consumed today: whole wheat Kashi waffles, 2 lean pockets, a bolthouse drink, cinnamon pita chips, milk.

OK. It's a work in progress. But at least I didnt eat Wendy's or donuts.
I'm not going on a diet to lose weight. Are you kidding? I don't need to lose weight. I could, however, use more energy throughout the day, and not have hypoglycemic episodes when I down too much sugar.
Hope this lasts!

Oh- and I had 3 pieces of gum. But it's for artistic purposes. See the above photo? Yeah, that's made of gum. ; )

Gross... but awesome.

Em

stop it.

I am so fucking livid.
But... that's all I'm going to say. Because I can keep the rest of the thoughts TO MYSELF!

I Hate Valentine's Day.

I am so anti-Valentine's Day.
It gives so many people false hopes about relationships and such. AND, Hallmark and flower companies make a killing off this damn "holiday."
Before Jewel did crack and thought country music was a good idea, she wrote this:

Valentine's Day
Wish I had a sweetheart
It's Valentine's Day
Didn't even get a stinkin' card
It's Valentine's Day
I just have to say
I hate Valentine's Day
It's Valentine's Day
And I didn't get no chocolate
It's Valentine's Day
If I had a heart I'd hock it
It's Valentine's Day
All I have to say
I hate Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day
And I hope it finds you healthy
It's Valentine's Day
I'm glad your stinkin' girlfriend's wealthy
It's Valentine's Day
I just love to say
I hate fuckin' Valentine's Day

Well said. Except... I don't want a card or chocolates or flowers or a disgusting bear that say's 'i love you' when you squeeze it's paw. I don't even want a "sweetheart."
In the end, all the sweethearts out there grow weary of us girls.

Valentine's day can shove it.

ANTM- OK.

OK-
So, along with applying to spend a semester abroad, I've also decided to audition for America's Next Top Model.
...done laughing? Ok, moving along...
I had thought about it, and I didn't think much of going all the way to NYC or making a video of myself to send in, but there are actually auditions being held on my spring break in Pittsburgh. I'll be in MD, and I've got some good friends in Pitt I should be visiting anyway. So, what the hell, eh?

This weekend has turned out to be a bit of a letdown. It was supposed to be great... but c'est la vie. Good thing I'm used to being left hanging with plans that don't happen. But, on top of that little mistake, I have to be at strike in a few hours, and ugh, I just don't wanna. I'd really love to continue cleaning my apartment and organizing my life (which, by the by, is getting better and more hectic everyday!) But it's only a Hedrick show, so it can't take that long, right? Shit. I just jinxed myself, didn't I?

If you want, you can check out the ANTM application website here: http://cwtv.com/thecw/topmodel-cycle11-Casting

Em

Alright, Let's Do This.

God Bless Across The Universe. Seriously. That film is amazing. Moreso, the mindset the film puts you in if you totally let yourself be a part of it is amazing. Peace, zen, love, happiness, clarity... I wish it was the '60s. I feel like I would have fit in better then. All this new technology is great, but I am SUCH a down-to-earth girl. Literally. I would just love to frolick in fields of grass (or strawberries).
I adore nature and natural things. I wish I had more time in my life to feel connected with everything in nature. Lately I just feel like the things revolving around me are papers, classes, and errands. Yuck. I want to swim in a lake and climb a tree and scrape my knees and get bug bites. That's totally what kind of kid I was. I was a fearless little tomboy who loved playing in the woods in my backyard. I was the kind of kid to pick up worms and wiggle them in front of the other girls to watch them go "ewwww!" and run away. I was an evil little girl. Hahaha...
But, ya know, kids are SO fearless. It's amazing. Think about it. You've seen plenty of toddlers trip over their own two feet and fall on the cement sidewalk and get right back up, bloody knees and all. I've done that on an escalator and got 3 holes poked into my cartalidge in my knee and I remember thinking "ow." And I kept moving. It wasn't until I saw blood gushing down my leg and the look of horror on my mother's face that I began to cry. I've also flown on planes before. Yeah. Once to Idaho when I was 11, and to Hawaii when I was 8. No fear. I remember it being a pleasant experience.
Know what aided in giving me this fear of flying? That damn movie "Final Destination." Ugh.
Anyways, so now I have to figure out how to make this thing happen. How am I going to fly from one continent to the other? This may sound silly to anyone else, but this is the scariest thing I've ever planned for myself. But I keep telling myself that if something has the ability to both scare and thrill me, it MUST be worth it.


Em

(That picture at the top is me in a helicopter in Hawaii. Proof!)

FunDip and Scaffolding

There are days when I wonder why I chose theatre... why I still choose theatre. Life would be so much simpler if I went to college for a regular major. I would always have weekends free. I could visit home more often. I wouldn't have to worry about auditions on top of finals, or the whole applied theatre system. I could just have class Monday thru Friday and go to parties on the weekends.

But... that's boring.

I wasn't called to come in to work on the set tonight, but I had heard that A LOT of help was needed to get the show up and running by Tuesday night. So, as opposed to sitting on the couch watching TV and hoping everything would get done, I decided to go on in and help. I brought FunDip with me... which may as well have been crack. Because everyone's mood just shifted from UGH to WOO after that sugary sugary burst of awesomeness. I got to do and witness things that made me giggle so hard that I nearly peed. These things include: watching Jordan eat paint only to realize it was latex rather than waterbase, crawling around the scaffolding like a monkey in ways a scaffolding should NEVER be used unless your're trying to reach really strange places to paint, seeing Dave straddle the scaffolding AND a ladder to paint, getting stabbed in the neck by Amanda with a brush, millions of bad puns and Bob Dylan impressions, getting blue paint on my nose while hanging upside down on the scaffolding and wearing it the rest of the night, and seeing all the FunDip go to good use.

People are so much more productive when they show up for something on their own accord, rather than being scheduled to be there. I include myself in this generalization. Maybe next work call, I'll just pretend I don't have to be there... and bring FunDip.

2 days till ATU!!!!!!!


Em

Quick Stats Break

Statistics makes my soul unhappy. That goes for all math, really. But this standard deviation crap is making my head spin. I am making headway, though, thanks to sandalwood inscence and songs from Explosions in the Sky. Seems to be a good recipe for studying. Zen. Ahh...
Now I'm having focus issues because Top Gun is on, and right now all the guys are in the locker room with the Iceman/Maverick showdown. But they're all in little white towels and have tight tushies. (Wow. I just turned into a creepy 70yr old woman checking out boys...)
I digress.
Variance? Got it.
Standard Deviation? Down.
Z-Score? ...still working on it.
I'm more efficient when I understand what I'm working on. And right now, while I know how to do standard deviation, I don't understand it's role in statistics, and that bothers me. I guess I'm the same way when working on things for shows. Even if I dont need to know how some contraption works, I feel like I need to, even if my assignment is to just screw one piece of wood to another.
Ok- I need to turn off Top Gun and get back to Stats. I don't want to see Goose die... again.

4 days till ATU!

**EDIT**: My application to Harlaxton was accepted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck YES!!!

...shit. this means i have to fly..... fuuuuck.....

Thanks, Freddy.

I want to break free
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
You're so self satisfied I dont need you
Ive got to break free
God knows
God knows I want to break free!



5 days 'til ATU!

Em

Prepping For February...

I always get sick in February. So I just downed some airborne in about 2oz of water... ew. Better be worth it. That lemon-lime they've got is NOT as tasty as they make it out to be. I should probably take some pain meds too, since stage combat kicked my ass again today. I don't think it's the combat so much as the warm ups. That says a lot. Out of shape much? Although, I did try doing some rolls on the floor without the mats today, so I'm sure a few bruises are going to pop up.

By the by- would anyone like to accompany me to see Beth Simpson's show, Dog Sees God on opening night? I have an available comp ticket for Thursday (next week)... as opposed to paying $20 per ticket. Show starts at 8.


...and 6 more days 'till ATU.

Em

Seven Days 'Til Happiness, Blackbird, Revolution, All You Need Is Love and More...

Oh God. Across The Universe comes out on DVD on Saturday. OMG OMG OMG.
And done.

Also- all this week the weather is supposed to be in the upper 50s/lower 60s. Yay southern weather!... or global warming...eek. My mood is often affected by the weather. But, I have had good rainy days and terrible sunny days.

Alright, you caught me avoiding what I'm really thinking about.
This awkward version of myself meandering around campus and making brief appearances at parties (or none at all) is me trying to figure out how to be a single, independent, mature individual. Ever since I was about 16 (holy hell, that was 7 years ago!), my life has been shared with someone else, save a month or two. My self-esteem may be low right now. It hasn't plummeted or anything, but... eh. I guess it's good for me to experience the world (and at the very least, Salisbury) as a singleton. I felt pretty similar at the very start of freshman year. I had gone through a rather traumatic breakup that June, but as soon as I was out and meeting my new fellow Catawbans, things started improving. Hmm. Guess I should take my own advice.
I'm not terribly sad to be single... just trying to be good at it again.
: )

Okay- wading out of the deep and back into the shallow-

6 days until Jim Sturgess and Joe Anderson.
OMG!

Emilie

Hello, New Blog!!

So I finally decided to cheat on LiveJournal with this. I may actually leave LJ for good. We'll see. : ) So far so good!

I'm pretty thrilled about a lot of things right now.
-The idea of a semester at Harlaxton both thrills and scares the shit out of me. Like a carnival ride. There's still a lot to think about, but I really want to try it.
-an upcoming third date really makes me smile!
-I'm really enjoying my scene painting class. Painting without pressure is fun!
-Crest whitestrips are amazing!
-Stage Combat is awesome. But ouch!! Flipping oneself around results in major muscle-soreness. Not to mention a bruise or two!

And there are a few things bugging me.
-applied theatre (duh.) If you require 20 hours of painting from me, put me on paint crew! Not props!? Really?
-I hate the feeling of being collected and put on a shelf. I feel like this now. Hopefully things will ease and change.
-Dr. Hodgson bores the crap outta me. And it doesn't help that I have no idea what's going on in the class. That should be fun.

Well, I'm not thrilled about tomorrow's work call, but I am all for getting things done.
Goodnight!
Em